Tuesday, October 27, 2009

"Oh No!" I heard her cry from the other room and in that instant I knew you were gone. I would never get to hold you or even see you as a ghostly outline on a screen. The only proof that you were ever here are some results from a lab test and our broken hearts. I stare at Icons on the wall and feel nothing: She looks disappointed and His eyes are inscrutable. Well wishers say all the wrong things: "Be happy for what you have"... "You can try again"... "It wasn't meant to be"... I don't want platitudes, I want to hold you, read to you and embarrass you in front of your friends. Will I see you at the end of things? Will you know me?

Monday, June 15, 2009

The Eye of a Needle

The comments on this post at the Ochlophobist remind of the words of Lady Marchmain:

"Now I realize that it is possible for the rich to sin by coveting the privileges of the poor."

Monday, April 20, 2009

Spring is sort of here

It is almost the end of April and spring is here... sort of. Snow still lurks ominously at the tail end of the 10 day forecast and happy are the days when the mercury reaches 60 degrees, but the trend is definitely springward.

As the 15 feet or so of snow we received this winter starts to melt and swell the streams and creeks with run-off, one's mind turns naturally to the subject of trout and how to catch them. Catching them is an impossible dream at this time of year as even the most bucolic streams are swollen and raging torrents, overflowing their banks and sweeping all before them. I am biding my time, restocking my emptied fly boxes with feeble self tied brassies, copper johns and caddis fly imitations and, when the itch gets bad, I drive to the fish hatchery to look at the monster trout in the display pond. If I squint, it is almost like they are pouncing on my dry flies and not on the brown food pellets the tourists buy for a quarter and toss to the already over sized fish.

The mule deer have had it rough. Winter came early, covering much of their grazing area with 4 feet of snow and those that survived hunting season also had to contend with mountain lions and a pack of timber wolves. The fauns that last spring looked innocent and cute with their white spotted coats and spindly legs now have a world weary look in their dim-witted eyes. Instead of looking at the world with wonder, they seem to ask it "how could you do this to me?" This makes me sad because my daughter is just old enough that when I take her outside, I can see the wonder in her eyes. I know that it won't be long until, like the fauns, she is betrayed by the world.

By the middle of May, the snow will be gone, the creeks will return to normal and newborn fauns will stumble through my backyard.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Still Alive

It has been almost six month's since my last post and though lots has happened in that time, I haven't been able to muster much enthusiasm for posting. But recently I have felt the tingle of logorrhoea stirring in my bowels and so I find myself here again, ready to foist myself on the 2 or 3 people foolish enough to still subscribe to my RSS feed.

It has been an eventful six months. My daughter continues to grow and thrive, despite my ineptitude as a parent. Every day brings new feats of childhood development and new opportunities for me to give her something to talk about in therapy when she's older. Though it is not what I expected, parenthood has been the single greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Yet it is terrifying as well, as I grapple with the fact that I simply cannot protect her from everything, even myself.

I was laid off in January when my company, like so many others, succumbed to the global economic melt down. Unfortunately, being an out of work computer programmer in South Dakota is a pretty grim situation. The technology sector was not exactly thriving here during the boom times and now that economy is bust, I'll be lucky if I can get a job doing anything at all. Sadly, I am spectacularly unsuited to the industries that are surviving here, like tourism and timber. On the bright side, my wife is still employed and likely to remain so and we are able to eek out a living on less than half of what we were making together.

It has been a long winter, and not just spiritually. 3 blizzards in as many weeks dropped 7 or so feet of snow where we live during the month of March. But spring is in the air and I managed to get out do a little fishing between major winter storms. Flooding from the melting snow has rendered most of my favorite streams unfishable for the time being but I am eagerly tying flies in anticipation of summer.

I'm not sure how long this re-launch will last. Frankly, I'm not even sure what I want to write about. Blogging about religion is a near occasion of sin for me, since I am unable to write about it without being obnoxious, tedious or a bore. My extra-curricular interests are so disparate that combining them in one place would be strange, so if you want to read my thoughts on backgammon you'll have to visit my backgammon blog, The Bar Point. Readers of this blog will probably still have to put up with ramblings about fly fishing, gold prospecting and my dismal employment prospects.

Enjoy!